n : accepting who you really are, coming to terms with what you are.
Over the years, I have finally accepted myself the way I am. It's been a long time since I last felt, something has to be done.
Now here's a secret, something only very few people knew about.
Back in my secondary school, I've always had very low self esteem. I always feel tht I'm too fat and somehow, fat means ugly, fat means unwanted, fat means uncool. I hated myself then.
But I moved on. I went to poly, I fell in love. I fell out of love. I got depress. I felt unwanted and I thought I wanna do something with the way I look. So everyday, I will throw up after breakfast, lunch and dinner. Everything tht went in came out the same way. My weight dropped drastically. I was fucking proud of myself, but my family was worried. My family members hear me puking in the toilet and they tried talking to me about it, but I always lie my way out. Car sick was my common excuse. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I still continued doing it, all in the name of looking good.
Then came the day, I nearly black out at the stairs. I feel weak, I fall in the middle of the street because I get weak knees. I get chest pain and sometimes I have difficulties in breathing. My body shiver out of no apparent reason. My reaction time became alot slower. Jaywalking became really dangerous, because I cannot react when a car suddenly turn out from a corner. I found out later that thoes were symptoms of Anorexia nervosa. That's when I decided, I got to stop what I was doing.
I was lucky. I didn't get really sick. I didn't suffer from dehydration or malnutrition. And everytime people ask me, how I lost weight, I'd cook up some silly excuse. I'm not proud of my method of losing weight, in fact I'm quite ashame of it. How can I be so shallow? How can I risk my health just to look good? What if something happened to me? My parents took such great pains to raise me, only for me to destroy myself?
That's why I feel that self-acceptance is very important. So what if I am still fat. I am happy and I love myself. That's all that matters. I exercise nowadays, something I've always hated doing, because I believe in a healthy lifestyle. I want to outlive my parents so that I can take care of them when they're old. I want to do soooo many things, I am still young.
Just now, I became the joke on the weight issue. I am most venerable whenever people joke about my weight (and appearance), and it was as good as rubbing salt on my wound. That conversation seem to last forever, and I was hoping so hard I can get outta there. I'm thankful coz some of my friends were speaking up for me, offering words of encouragement. I tried so hard to hold my tears back, until I am safe and all alone with Yao, I started crying. I feel so terrible. I don't hate the other guys for the stuff they said, because I know they're just kidding, and guys tend to be more insensitive on stuff like tht, but I was hurt. My pride, my self-esteem was stampeded upon over and over again. Its huge humiliation for me and I had to pretend like I don't mind. It was painful but not enough for me to hate myself.
Like Yao said, I can cry about it, but after that I have to forget about it. I am 52 kg, and I have a bulging tummy, if you want you can even call them spare tyres. I really don't care. Say what you want about me because I love me. I have accepted myself the way I am and I know, my family and friends won't love me more or less just because of these extra kilos. I won't deny that I still want to lose weight, but don't worry. It'll be nothing unhealthy.
Btw, one of the best way to deal with Anorexia nervosa, is to think happy thoughts and surround yourself with people who truly care about who you are. That's how I got out of mine. I also learnt a huge lesson:
NEVER NEVER JEOPARDISE YOUR HEALTH FOR VANITY SAKE.
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